Tuesday July 15, 2003 at 6:15 PM
Keeping Score?
Appearing in Domestic Bliss & Photography
For a variety of reasons, I’ve had cause of late to reflect on the accomplishments and expenditures of my life. In my efforts to tally the score, count the victories, and reconcile the defeats however, one thing that often fails to make the list is my family, a rather conspicuous omission given the amount of time, energy, and interaction that accompanies marriage and fatherhood.
It appears however, that I am not alone in this oversight. In recent conversations I’ve noticed the near-universal tendency of men to cast accomplishment as belonging solely to the realms of career, consumption, and organized athletics. By contrast, the women with whom I’ve spoken tend to take a more inclusive view, adding romance, friendship, and reproduction to the mix. I’ve come to realize that these women possess a much more balanced view of their lives given the amount of commitment associated with both family and friendship. As a result, they give themselves credit for the work that goes into those relationships rather than dismissing the effort as devoid of any measurable value or providing them with any external status.
That’s not to say that men don’t also value their family and friends, they just rarely give themselves any credit for them. Unfortunately, the dissonance I experience between my internal scoreboard and the value I place in my family and friendship is not an uncommon phenomenon among men. It leaves me to wonder how much more satisfaction, patience, and enjoyment we might all feel if we associated more points with our roles as fathers, husbands, and friends.
Comments
Great observation.
I wonder how tightly it is tied to spending such a huge chunk of your day on a career. Do women and men with similar careers have similar internal scoreboards, or do those women still give more value to the other roles in their lives?
Either way, I would hope we would be more pleased with a great family than with a great career.
Posted by: Josh on Tue Jul 15, 03
Josh: Thanks for the comment. I'm not sure if women with similar career investments feel the same way. Perhaps they do and hence the "super-woman" phenomenon we once heard so much about. I know for my part however, that although I try to give myself credit for being a good Dad, I don't see a lot of support for that in society at large. How often do you hear someone express admiration for the fathering skills of a successful politician, businessman, or entertainer?
Just look at our current and former Presidents. Both were parenting teenage daughters while in the White House but I hardly remember anyone even noticing if either of them were decent Dads. Of course we could extrapolate from the public behavior of their respective offspring, but perhaps that's a discussion better suited for a different post. 8^)
Posted by: Bob Baxley on Tue Jul 15, 03